Vegeta's Guide to Healing, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: Vegeta's court cases about his back alley doctor buisness, and his messing up. He'll have messed up completely, most chapters in court.
1. Case One: Sir Fred Gorchiboe

Welcome to chapter one of my newest story, "Vegeta's Guide to Healing"!

Vegeta: Wasn't this just something you made up in "Strange Job 1" for humour?

Cir: Yes, and this is also your personnally writen novel!

Vegeta: Then why do you write it?

Cir: It's from your point of view. Enjoy!

**Case One: Sir Fred Gorchiboe**

Introduction:

I am Vegeta, if you read this, then you must be really desperate, I don't even work at a hospital!

However, I have had so many casesin court about injuries and unlicensed healing, that I've writen a novel. I was fined for opening my own back alley doctor shop, what kind of country is this if you can't even help? And for underpriced, yet untested treatments? Who runs this place?

Here is my first case... that I remember, the suer was Sir Fred Gorchboe, or as you may know him, the Puking Person. That nickname's from this case...

The Case:

"All rise!" the judge said. We stood up. The judge cleared his throat. "Alright, my legs are tired. Let's sit down now." We all sat down.

I cursed this thing under my breath. This wasn't _my _fault.

Gorchiboe stood up. "This man opened a back alley doctor shop. My backaches were too serious to have time to get to a real hospital, so I went there."

"OBJECTION!" I shouted out. Then I remembered that did happen. "Nevermind..."

Gorchiboe shook his head. "Anyway, he said he could fix my back. 'And with no side affects!'. However, he punched my back and it was fine."

"Then why are you suing me?" I asked (I decided to be my own lawyer). "I fixed your back, we all live happily ever after. Now let's all go to Tim Hortons!"

The judge glared at me. Somehow, I thought that was the stupidest thing I had said yet.

Gorchiboe continued. "Everything was fine for a few weeks, then-"

"OBJECTION!" some crazy looking guy yelled from the audience. "OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" he yelled while dancing and firing two waterguns at the roof. He laughed and ran out the exit door laughing crazily.

The courtroom was silent for a few minutes. "Anyone have a clue what just happened?" the judge asked.

"A crazy guy yelled objection a lot and ran out the-"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT VEGETA AND YOU KNOW IT!" That shut _me _up.

Gorchiboe cleared the flem out of his throat. "After a week, my back began feeling worse and worse. I decided to see a real doctor. The doctor said that a few of my bones were cracked!"

"That wasn't my fault!" I yelled.

"Then why were your fistmarks on my cracked bones?" Gorchiboe asked slyly. I opened my mouth but closed it.

The judge looked at me. "What is your version of this?"

I stood up. "When Gorchiboe came, he signed a contract that made him unable to sue me if anything would happen."

"OBJECTION!" Gorchiboe yelled. "That was just for a free ticket to any Lord of the Rings movie!"

"Was not!" I said back.

"Was too!" Gorchiboe shot at me.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"WAS TOO GORCHIBOE!"

Gorchiboe smirked. "Alright, I agree, it was," he said.

I cursed. I was outsmarted in a court!

"Well, I see that we just waited those few minutes," the judge said. "Vegeta, would you continue?"

I wasn't paying attention, so this just came out of my mouth: "No, _you _were licking the cactus!" I covered my mouth and the audience laughed their heads off. I groaned. The judge's face was hiding laughter. I got ready to say what I meant to say.

"As I meant to say, Gorchiboe said he was satisfied, so he left. He happily payed me, and left happily. So it wasn't my fault that his back hurt," I said.

"My bones were broken!" Gorchiboe said.

"Meh, my back alley doctor services were good," I concluded.

"Did you say 'Back alley'?" the judge asked. I nodded. "Alright jury, make your decision."

The jury started whispering to each other. Then one stood up. "We, the jury, have decided that Vegeta is guilty of both the back bone breaking and inlicensed doctoring."

"OBJECTION!" I yelled.

"Vegeta, you can't object to the jury!" the judge said while putting his head in his hand.

I groaned and payed the fine, of course not with my own money, which I was sued for again. Man, that was annoying.

Conclusion:

That was a very intresting week. Well, few days. Wait for case two!

Moral(s):

1. Always get a lisence.  
2. Never object to the jury.  
3. Don't use other people's money.  
4. Tacos taste good.

**Author note:**

I hope you liked case 1. There will be more cases to come, each really stupid. so be prepared.

Vegeta: Will I be a bumbling idiot?

Cir: Yes. I very big one. Review!


	2. Case Two: Carrod Gurglemouth

Wow, I never knew I'd get so many reviews in one single day! Well, time for case two.

Vegeta: Not so fast!

Cir: O...kay... I... will... do... this... slow...ly... I... own... nothing... except... the... OCs... and... the... crazy... guy...

**Case 2: Carrod Gurglemouth**

Introduction:

I knew that this guy would sue me one day... After all the things I did, I'm surprised he waited this long!

And there are two things I hate: People who hate others because of something that they've done... And Carrod from when he fired me... And Freiza for killing me, and Kakarott for always being stronger, and there's plenty of other things I hate, but they're too numerous to mention.

Well, I suspect you are waiting for the case... so here it is.

The Case:

I got to the defendant seat. I ws still my own lawyer, and was doing poorly. Carrod was the one suing me this time. Former employee against former employee's watcher.

The judge took a seat. He looked at Carrod and his lawyer. "What happened to Mr. Gurglemouth is probably what we want to know, so talk. Tell what the problem is."

"My client had a bad cold, so he went to the hospital," Carrod's lawyer said. "But it was closed. I better let him tell the rest."

Carrod went to the talking seat. We glared for a second. Carrod cleared his throat. "As my lawyer began, the hospital was closed," Carrod started. "I was going home when I saw an alley that had a sign advertising a doctor, so I went in.

"This 'doctor' appeared to be Vegeta. He said he could help."

"OBJECTION!" I yelled. "I told you to go bite yourself!"

"No, that's what you told me when I told you I was suing you!" Carrod shot back.

"Why you little ba-"

"ORDER!" the judge said, slamming the hammer, but missing the wood and hitting his thumb. "Son of a martian!"

Meanwhile on another planet, two martians were watching this. "Hey!" one said.

"Let's get him!" the other said before taking out a machine gun. They both ran to the door.

"Anyway, Vegeta told me to lie down," Carrod continued. "I lied down and he x-rayed me. He gave me some pills and told me to take one every fifteen hours."

"OBJECTION!" a crazy guy in the crowd yelled. "OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" He began squirting water guns at the ceiling and ran out of the room laughing like a maniac.

I shook my head. Carrod continued. "I took the pills, and all that happened was cats and swordfish became attracted to me," he said. "So I came here."

I stood up. "Carrod is a moron. He'd do anything to get money. Those pills probably worked!" I looked over and saw him blowing his nose and throwing it in a pile. "Er..."

I walked over to Carrod. "Is it true that you had a bad cold?" I asked.

"Yes."

The crowd gasped.

"Is it true you came to me?"

"Yes!"

They gasped again.

"Is it true that the pills ddin't work?"

"Yes! You already know all this, Vegeta!"

They gasped for a third time.

"I rest my case," I said while sitting back down, waiting to be declared the winner.

"Vegeta, what on Earth were you doing?" the judge asked. "We already knew that stuff!"

"The crowd didn't," I said casually.

"No, you put gasping gas in here!" someone said before they all gasped.

The jury walked in. "Where were you people?" the judge asked them.

"Ordering pizza," one said. "Anyway, we've come to the decision that we need a pay rise."

"Fine, you can have 20 bucks an hour."

"Defendant guilty!"

"But you haven't even seen the case," the judge said.

"Uh... we bugged the place?"

Conclusion:

It didn't costme as much as the last one. Oh wait, it cost 700 dollars. Nevermind what I just said.

I've come to some morals:

Morals:

1. Carrod sucks.  
2. Carrod sucks.  
3. Always check for bugs.  
4. Carrod sucks.


	3. Case Three: King Gucha

I'm posting case three now! DBZ freakGoten, I was wondering who would say that first. Well, he's pretty stupid sometimes. Okay, most of the time.

Vegeta: And I don't like it!

Cir: And thanks to everyone else who reviewed! Now to bring out case three!

Fee: by the way, i proofread it, so direct any mistake reviews to him! (points at Cir)

Cir: Ok then...Now on with the chapter!

**Case 3: King Gucha**

Introduction:

This wasn't really much of a case, seeing as I had no clue what the snake was saying, so I brought Kakarott for the translations. He can be pretty handy, and also damn right annoying!

The Case:

I took a seat. I was, once again, my lawyer.

Kakarott took a seat too. He tells me to call him Goku when I write this, but I don't care- OUCH! Alright, alright, I'll write Goku!

"This case has once again, Vegeta as the defendant," the judge said.

"Once again?" Goku said like the idiot he is- OUCH!

The judge nodded. "He's been in here three times this week."

"Has he won any of them?"

"No."

"OBJECTION!" I yelled.

"You lost all of them, I have them on tape!" the judge said before showing some videos. When he was finished, I was mumbling something about a battle axe.

"Now for the case," the judge said. "The snake..."

_Gucha, _the snake said. _King Gucha._

"King Gucha," Goku said.

The judge nodded. "The snake versus Vegeta. Would the snake go to the stand?"

Gucha slithered over to the stand and sat in the chair. _I was having extreme stress having the other snakes, particularly Cabrak, be an idiot! I think it may have been annoy the king day, but I don't have a calender, _Gucha said.

"He says: 'I was having extreme striss having the other snakes, partical Cabrak, being an idiot. I think it may have been batter the king day, but I don't have a calenendar," Kakarott- uh... force of habit?- said.

The judge nodded. "Continue."

_I was slithering through the city, trying to get rid of the stress, when I saw a sign in an alley that said Vegeta could heal stress._

Gucha nodded to Goku. "He was slithering throw the city, trying to get rid of the stress, when he saw a dime in an alley that said Gegumbo could help stress."

Goku nodded to Gucha who shook his head.

_He put a difibulater on me, which stopped my heart! I realized my heart wasn't beating, so I smacked him, and my heart hasn't beated since!_

"He used a difibulater which stopped his heart, so he hit him and his heart hasn't beta since."

"OBJECTION!" the crazy guy yelled. "OBJECTIONY-JECTION!"

"Why do you come here?"I asked.

"Free donuts," the crazy guy said before doing exactly what he did the previous cases.

I went to the stand. "Everything he says is a lie!" I said. "If his heart hasn't beaten, then why's he still alive?" Gucha slithered to me and I felt his heart beat. "What-do-you know, there is no heart beat," I said before the snake grinned. "I rest my case."

"Vegeta, you do know that you just agreed with the opposer?" the judge asked me.

"Wha?"

The jury walked in. "We find the defendant, Vegeta..." There was a longsilence.

"Well?" the judge asked.

"We haven't decided, the card is blank," the jury member said as he waved the blank card around.

"Then why'd you come back?" the judge asked. "And how hard would it be to decide?"

"We felt like messing with you, we decided on guilty already a while ago!"

Conclusion:

I really hate that judge. I tried to sneak to his house with a battleaxe, but he turned on his porch lights and threw me in a river. It took five hours to get the leaches off and regain conscienceness from the massive blood loss.

Right now, i think it's time for the morals.

Morals:

1. Never trust a snake.  
2. Get rid of the donuts, that weirdo is driving me crazy!  
3. Never agree with the enemy.  
4. the jury is a bunch of liers.  
5. Note to self: exterminate the worldwide leach population- er, please don't tell me I published that...

**Author Note:**

I just realized that I never made a note for last chapter. Well, this will make up for it.

Vegeta: These cases get stupider and stupider.

Cir: Yep!

Vegeta: That was supposed to discourage you...

Cir: Well that failed, it made me want to update quicker! Sorry about the long wait, but while I make a new chapter, review!


	4. Case Four: Sam SomethingerOther

Don't kill me for not updating for so long! I've started writing another story, and I've been trying to think of a plot.

Vegeta: Just keep talking...

Cir: No, I'm writing this.

Vegeta: Dang it.

**Case Four: Sam Something-er-other**

Introduction:

This case is very humiliating. I suggest those who respect me should look away. All who hate me, go to your rooms! Everyone in the middle can read on.

In case you don't know, I work with this guy part time as a cop. He has Chlorophobia, fear of chloroform, or I just call it that to tease him. Either way, gimme a sandwich.

The Case:

I snored very loudly, in the empty courtroom. Then the judge walked in and threw a shoe at me. I jerked awake. "Huh? What? Isn't he here yet?" I asked.

"Why are you here Vegeta, the case is on Monday!" the judge said.

"So?" I asked.

"It's Friday!" the judge yelled.

"Then why are you here?" I asked.

"Your snoring woke me up Vegeta!" the judge said, glaring at me. We just stood there looking at each other.

"So what do you do in your spare time?"

"Go home Vegeta!"

On Monday, I came on the right time. Sort of. I was about three hours late, not just because of traffic. Kakarott- OW! STOP THAT! Kakarott kept calling me over and over, asking for my skiing gear. Okay, it was just the traffic...

"Now that we have everyone here, we can start," the judge said. "It is Vegeta, again, against Sam Something-er-other."

"MY LAST NAME IS CHLOROFORM!"Sam yelled.

"Anyway, time for Sam's lawyer to start."

The lawyer stood up and stretched. He scratched he butt and went cross eyed before his tongue hung out of his mouth. Sam shook his head and muttered, "Not again."

He stood up and took the lawyer's spot. "I needed treatment for my Chlorophob-" He suddenly started snoring. Then he woke up. "-ia. I went to Vegeta because he said he'd help, but he just gave me pills that made my feet swell, and people are after me, thinking I'm Bigfoot!"

"Is that all?" I asked.

"Why are you asking, you (He got knocked out then woke up) were there?" he asked me.

"Where are the donuts?" the crazy guy asked.

"I ate them before you came," I said. He lunged at my throat and we started fighting. The cops had to pry us apart, but I punched them and started fighting again.

"ORDER!" the judge said before I began taking my shoe off to throw at him. But then I tripped, fell down and rolled into the room where the jury makes their desicion. It isn't how you expect. It had balloons, cake, arcade games, an auto-verdict maker 5000 and vibrating recliners. I was pulled out, then thrown into my seat.

"Anyway, what is your side Vegeta?"

I walked over to Sam and went within inches of his face, trying to be as obnoxious as possible. "Isn't it true that you can suddenly be knocked out, and then appear back to normal?" I asked.

"Yes, you've seen that twice in the last half hour!" Sam said.

The crowd gasped for no reason. "And isn't it true you came for help?"

"I've already said yes!"

They gasped once again for no reason. "I rest my case," I said.

"Already?" the judge asked. "It'sonly been33 lines!"

"Oh, what?" I said. "I just said that to sound impressive! I don't rest my case!" The judge rolled his eyes. "How do we know he didn't dream all this while he was unconscience?" I finished.

"Because I made a montage!" Sam said before taking out a DVD. He put it in a DVD player.

A photo of Vegeta straping Sam to a table appeared. Vegeta seemed to get smaller in his chair. That disappeared and a photo of Vegeta giving him the pills appeared. Then it vanished and a picture of a big feet Sam running from Bigfoot hunters appeared. Sam turned it off. "See?"

"How would you have gotten those if you were in them?" Vegeta asked.

"Remember that monkey with a camera I brought?"

"Uh...no?"

"Yes you do!"

"Jury?" I asked. "What is your verdict?"

"That's my line!" the judge yelled.

"We find the defendant guilty," a jury member said. "He owes Sam $500. Okay Sam?"

But Sam had fallen asleep and I had fled.

Conclusion:

See what I mean? HUMILIATING! I was going to bring a battleaxe to his house, but I lost the key. I was about to blast his house, but he caught me and I was sued again!

Here's the morals.

Moral(s):

1. Become a jury member when you get sued.  
2. Check your calender.  
3. Make sure that crazy guy has an "accident"...Mwahahaha!  
4. Get a keychain.

**Author Note:**

How was that? I'm liking this story a lot!

Vegeta: I'm not.

Crazy guy: You'll never be able to keep me out of the courtroom!

Vegeta: Wanna bet?

Cir: Review!


	5. Destruction One: Doomsday Healer Bot 500

This chapter is going to start off much different. The case is only going to really be about a few paragraphs.

Vegeta: Different?

Cir:And now to start!

Vegeta: How different? TELL ME!

**Destruction One: Doomsday Healer Bot 5000**

Introduction:

I don't know how much caffene I had had when I did this, so don't blame me! I admit, I was being pretty stupid, but it was all the caffene! Do NOT try this at home as a healing method!

Destruction:

It was a day too beautiful for my liking. So I bought a Doomday Healer Bot 5000. It has a mode that heals, and a mode that destroys! I like destruction.

I was sitting in the two hundred foot tall giant robot's control spot. I looked down, laughing. I saw someone who sneezed. I shot the healing laser at the person. However, it was at incinerator mode, so the person died. I turned it to healing mode, but then I found out there were three modes after I pressed a button: Doomsday mode, heal mode, and hell mode. The button causing a million heat seeking missiles to go flying everywhere, destroying many ovens that were on. And people.

I moved forward and people fled. I saw the judge that I hated so much walking around calmly. I growled. "DIE!" I pressed a button, but, unfortunately, that was the button that teleports me to Russia. I tried to find the button that teleported back before the judge left, but I instead teleported to Antarctica. That froze the gears.

I grumbled and climbed out to put some anti-freeze in it, but the penguins saw me. "Go away you dumb penguins," I said. "I'm busy."

They all roared, and their eyes turned red, they grew horns, dragon wings, another ten feet, tails, fangs and claws.

"So this is what my dumping nuclear waste into Antarctica did!" I said. They all roared, and I blasted them. The mutant penguins flew over me and jumped into the control room of my robot. They pressed a button and teleported to where I was going.

"HEY!" I grumbled and began flying back.

When I got back, the Doomsday Healer Bot 5000 was killing everything. I flew up, threw the penguins out and jumped back in. I grabbed a monkey wrench and threw it at some random person.

I saw someone cough and turned it to heal mode. "Time to actually heal!" I said. I pressed a few buttons but they just activated the toothbrush. "Maybe I should read the manual..."

I took out the manual and checked how many pages there were. "57? No way!" I threw it out the window of the robot.

The judge caught it. "Vegeta, is this another idiotic healing method?" he asked.

"Uh...no?"

He glared at me. "I'll see you on Wednesday," he said.

"CRAP!" I yelled. "WHY DO I GET SENT TO COURT AT LEAST 3 TIMES EACH WEEK?"

"Because you're too destructive," the judge said before leaving.

I smashed a section of the roof off of a building. "I'd hate to live in that house!" I laughed. Then I saw the words "Capsule Corp." on it. "CRAP!"

The Case:

The judge took out a list. "Let's see who's suing Vegeta," he said. "Sir Fred Gorchiboe: $3000, Cheese Freddrick: $2942.83, Al Sinky: $4000, Al Gilliston: $7800, me: $1080 for crushing my hot tub, shed and living room, Sue Jobbi: $13.99, Vegeta?"

"Yes?" I asked.

"Are you suing yourself $800?"

"Well I did break my house," I said. "Although I'll probably be out of money by you."

The judge shooki his head. "Well, we don't need much evidence, we have about three million witnesses, so you own a total of... $19636.82!"

I thought. "Maybe you should ask the jury anyway," I said.

He picked the paper that I planted there to fake my innocence. "This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin!" he said. "And it still says guilty!" He looked at me. "And guilty is spelled wrong!"

Conclusion:

Well, I'm broke. In fact the reposession people are coming for this computer, so I have to type fast. They're breaking the door down! Uh-oh. Here theyyolp

**Author:**

The guiltyspelt wrong on a cocktail napkin is from the Simpsons.The reason it cuts off at the end is because they yanked it out of his hands.

Vegeta: It must be over!

Cir: No, there will be more chapters.

Vegeta: I hate you like I hate Kakarott.

Cir: Wow, then you must really hate me! Review!


	6. Case Five: Snapper

Yatta yatta, new chapter, that's all I have to say. Right Vegeta?

Vegeta: (raises eyebrow)

Cir: Ignore him. Time for chapter six! Oh, and Lionel Hutz is from "The Simpsons".

**Case 5: Snapper**

Introduction:

This case was probably the most awkward. Probably because I had no clue whatsoever what he was saying. It was that monster from my first job, and no one, not even Kakarott or Carrod, knew what it was saying.

Well, at least it could write.

The Case:

The judge looked at my empty seat, then his watch. "He's at least five hours late!" he said. "Where is that son of a bitch?"

"HEY!" I yelled from the jury box.

The judge looked at me. "What the fu-"

"I stole the letter that gives you jury duty from Scumpy," I said. "It's the best way to assure that I'm not guilty!"

He glared at me. "Get in the defendant seat," he ordered. I grumbled and trudged over there.

"Anyway, let's see what this case is about," the judge said, looking at some notes. "Pie? Who wrote this?" I whistled innocently. "Let's ask the accusor."

"Roooar roar roar rooaar, roar roar." **He damaged my liver with one of his experimental healing methods, **Snapper, Carrod's Diwhiposaurus said.

"Anyone know what he just said?" I asked. "Because I didn't understand any of it."

"No," the judge said. "I think we- who's that guy beside you?"

I looked at him. "That's my new lawyer," I said. "Never lost. His name's Lionel Hutz."

"Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, lawyer extrordinaire," he said, shaking the judge's hand.

The judge looked at him. "Don't touch me."

"My pet is writing it," Carrod said, and sure enough, Snapper was writing what he had said.

"Why don't you tell- er... _write_ what happened," the judge said.

Snapper wrote it down. Carrod looked at it. "The whips sticking out of my back were... ance?" Snapper rolled his eyes. "Um, well it also says: I went to Vegeta to get some medicne, but he gave... meh... pulls? They made meh whips go curly."

That Snapper guy's whips were all curled up. "OBJECTION!" I yelled. "He's curling them himself!" Carrod pulled a whip straight, then it flung back into place. "Okay maybe not."

"Anyway," Carrod said. "Snapper has been throwing darts at Vegeta's head ever since for revenge (I itched the back of my head and pulled out three darts) but then I decided to sue him."

"OBJECTION! OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" the crazy guy yelled, but I tackle him. He stuffed the watergun up my noise and pulled the trigger. Water began squirting out of my ears. I grabbed the other one and put it in his mouth before firing, causing the water to come out his nose. The cops pulled us apart and threw me in my seat and glued me down, then glued the chair to the floor, doing the same with the crazy guy.

"Anyway," Lionel said, "my client has, and never will, be sued and lost."

The judge looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "How much has he told you?"

"He told me that he gets sued and goes to court to be found guilty on a daily basis, but I get paid extra to go against that."

"And what do you have that will prove his innocence?" the judge asked.

Lionel took out a paper. "This document will make sure that he wins every case and everyone will be on his side," Lionel said. "It is so good that I should give it to you right now. But my license just expired." He threw the document in a fireplace that was for some reason right beside him, then threw a bottle of alcohol to blow it up.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I demanded.

"Don't have to obey rules!" he said, throwing his pants into it too and started prodding it with a fire poker, laughing insanely.

"There can only be one crazy guy here!" the crazy guy said, sawing the bench legs off with a chainsaw, then charging at Lionel. I broke off the ground that was around the chair legs and punched him. We were pried apart again.

"Vegeta, crazy guy,control yourselves or I'll give you time!" the judge said.

I stopped, but the crazy guys was snapping at me, foaming at the mouth. "He put soap in my mouth!" the crazy guy said and I whistled innocently again.

"Let's hear Vegeta's morphed version of the story," the judge said.

I stood up and walked right in front of the judge. "Your honourous hobo,"I said to him, "that thing came to me, and wrote down that it wanted itching treatments. I gave it some pills, and it left."

"Roar!" **Objection! **Snapper said.

"Snapper said that you gave it pills that curled the whips," the judge said, clearly annoyed that I called him a hobo.

"So I buy untested pills off the black market, so what?" I said. "I bet theat hammer you're holding is from the black market! I bet the benches are from the black market!"

"The hammer and benches are from Al Unchi's stores," the judge said. "And that isn't the black market. Jury? What's your decision?"

"We find the defendant innocent!"

"Vegeta, get out of the jury box."

"But I have the forms!"

"Now."

"Aw..."

Conclusion:

As a punishment, I had to pay 500 dollars worth of starch spray to straighten the whips. Damn judge.

I made a lawyer robot for my next case, but it went beserk and tried to kill the jury. Looks like I'm back to being my own lawyer.

Morals:

1. Make sure all the paper is gone.  
2. Find a reliable lawyer.  
3. Murder crazy guy.  
4. Avoid the black market.  
5. Advance from "Instructions to building a robot for dummies" to "Instructions to building a robot for morons". Wait, that's not an advanement!

**Author:**

And there you have it! The... well, I know it was late, but bare with me-

Bear: Rooooaar.

Cir: Not that type of bear. As I was saying, it does take a lot of time to think of ideas.

Vegeta: It takes eight seconds for other stuff though. Like you thought of this story in twelve seconds.

Cir: Shut up! Review!


	7. Destruction Two: Back Alley Hospital

Another day, another destruction rampage.

Vegeta: Wait, what?

Cir: And today we join Vegeta in his alley where he set up his business.

Vegeta: Actually this takes place at night.

Cir: Shut up!

**Destruction Two: Back Alley Hospital**

Introduction:

I've been telling about the cases so much, so now I think I'll tell you about the cases. Wait, that wasn't right. Hmm…

I'm confused… somebody help! Woman? Trunks? … … … …Kakarott?

Destruction:

I was really bored when a client came in. "What is it?" I asked.

"I'm here for low priced treatments."

"Sorry, wrong guy," I said. My shirt said: Low priced treating doctor.

"I pay high," he said.

"Then I'm your man!" I said. "So what do you have? Chlorophobia? Arachnophobia? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?"

"A sprained wrist."

I was disappointed that he had something simple. I didn't even get to use the stick-up-the-nose-and-yank thing! (Shows a corkscrew)

"Okay, sit down," I said. He sat down and I grabbed the wrist and pushed it at the arm. "NEXT!" I yelled, throwing him far into the air.

"But I didn't pay!" he yelled and I hit my head on a wall. That night I robbed his house.

My next customer came in. "So what do you have?" I asked. "The common cold? High fever?"

"I'm an officer, and I heard that this is an _illegal_ and _untested_ treatment centre," he said.

I looked at him for a second. "Broken arm? Arthritis?"

"I'm here to shut you down."

"I'm not illegal!"

"OBJECTION! OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" echoed into the alley.

He looked at a table of money that had a sign saying "BRIBES" on it. The person reached for it but I saw, jumped on the table and snarled at him.

"**_MY MONEY!_**" I screeched. I took out a marker and made it say "NOT BRIBES. NO TOUCHY BY YOU!"

"Riiiiight," the cop said. "Well I'll have to shut you down."

"Okay," I said innocently. He turned his back and I punched it, attempting to run out the alley to be tackle and held down. "YOU CAN STOP MY BUSINESS, BUT YOU'LL NEVER STOP UNOFFICAL DOCTORS! YOU HERE? _NEVER!_" I yelled.

They put me in jail, but that hour I walked out the front door by walking right through all the walls and doors. And I was back in my alley with all my stuff. In fact, my money was still there, and even the knocked out cop.

Another customer came in. "I think I have something lodged up my nose," they said in a stuffed up tone.

I believe I had a large smile on my face as I strapped them onto the table and picked up the stick-up-the-nose-and-yank thing. I stuffed the stick-up-the-nose-and-yank thing, turned it and pulled out a marshmallow. They paid me and I turned to the marshmallow. "My favourite!" I said before eating it. Only really remember puking all over my new money.

I eventually closed shop for the night and headed home. After a sort of good night's sleep, I woke up to find angry customers at the bottom of my bed with pitchforks, baseball bats and inflatable baseball bats. "I knew I shouldn't have wrote my home phone number on the banner," I muttered.

They all approached me. "Can't we settle this over a lawsuit?" I suggested nervously.

The Case:

All the customers were in the jury. Uh-oh…

The judge walked in. He picked up the table the one who's suing sits at an put it on top of where he sat. "For the record Vegeta, I'm also suing you," he said.

"WHAT? After all those good times we had together?

_"I fixed your back, we all live happily ever after. Now let's all go to Tim Horton's!"_

_The judge glared at me…_

_"No, that's what you told me when I told you I was suing you!" Carrod shot back._

_"Why you little ba-"_

_"ORDER!" the judge said, slamming the hammer, but missing the wood and hitting his thumb…_

_"ORDER!" the judge said before I began taking my shoe off to throw at him…_

_I saw the judge that I hated so much walking around calmly. I growled. "DIE!" I pressed a button, but, unfortunately, that was the button that teleports me to Russia…_

_The judge took out a list. "Let's see who's suing Vegeta," he said. "Sir Fred Gorchiboe: $3000, Cheese Freddrick: $2942.83, Al Sinky: $4000, Al Gilliston: $7800, me: $1080 for crushing my hot tub, shed and living room…"_

_I stood up and walked right in front of the judge. "Your honourous hobo," I said to him…_

"Okay, bad examples," I muttered.

"Well in this book you're publishing, you've included me without my permission!" he said. "So I'm suing you $4000 dollars. At least you haven't put my name in."

I gave him the money. "Here judge Carl," I said, giving it to him. He glared at me, but even today I'm still not sure why…

"Well, does the defense have anything to say about his other failed-on patients from yesterday?" he asked.

"Yes I do," I said, standing up. I looked at everyone for a second, emotionless. Then I sat down.

"Okay," the judge said, confused. "Let's-" He started coughing. "Vegeta did you fart?"

"A wet one!" I said happily. "So I guess I win."

"OBJECTON! OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" the crazy guy yelled.

I whipped around, ready to kick some ass, but didn't see anyone. "Where is he?"

"HA!" the crazy guy yelled. "You'll never find me, so I can do whatever I want!" There was a popping sound and he fell from the roof, suction cups attached to his hands and feet. "Kill that thought," he said before throwing one like a ninja star so that it stuck over my mouth.

All everyone could hear was "Mphh mff mphffff mph mfph mff!" It is too badly cursing to be writen on paper, for my computer was taken at the end of chapter four.

Conclusion:

One again I lost. Not just the case and my dignity, but money. The only of those that matters is the case and money. Screw dignity!

If only I hadn't thrown that "How to be a good lawyer" book I got for Christmas two years ago in the fire.

Morals:

1. Keep books  
2. Tape shock collar to customers. Will reduce suing.  
3. Test marshmallows before eating them over piles of money.  
4. Learn sign language.  
5. Learn true name of the stick-up-the-nose-and-yank thing.

**Author:**

I find this one of my masterpiece stories, yet it's one of the shortest.

Vegeta: Well for me, quality surpasses quantity.

Cir: Yeah, but I try to fit as much funny stuff as I can into anywhere.

Vegeta: Yeah, I can see. So- Wait, why did I _ask_ for a lawsuit?

Cir: Beats me.

Vegeta: But you-

Cir: Tell me what you think of my first update in many months.


	8. Case Six: WTF?

Cir: Sorry, about the long wait, but it's hard to think of ideas and I had a few things to do in life. But now I have an idea!

Vegeta: I actually like this one:)

Cir: You only know the beginning…

Vegeta:(

Cir: Stop that.

Vegeta:\

Cir: Happy Easter people!

**Case 6: WTF?**

Introduction:

Today, I got bored… … … … … dum da dum-dum… … … Oh, wait, I need to say something. READ! SEND ME MONEY!

The Case:

I sat down. The judge was also taking a seat. You may want to know what the big deal with this case is. Cabrak's in the defense seat, yeah, that right, I'M SUING SOMEONE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Okay, Kakarott thinks I went a bit overboard but screw him.

"Now to start this session," the judge said. "I have a feeling this will be a very strange one, Vegeta, tell us what you are accusing Cabrak for."

"What _aren't_ I accusing him for?" I demanded.

"I don't see anything about assault, home invasion, plagiarism, robbery, smuggling, illegal drugs, poison, attempted murder-"

"Okay, please stop," I interrupted. "He nearly killed me!"

"A semi poisonous snake with the brain capacity of a glass of orange juice nearly got you killed?"

"Yup!"

"_I didn't do anything!"_ Cabrak hissed.

"That's what they all say," I said.

"What's what they all say, he was speaking snake language!" the judge said.

"Point please?"

"Just tell me the story."

"Well, it was a normal day, when suddenly…"

Here's a little flashback instead.

I was sitting on the couch watching pirated movies when Cabrak came in through the window, literally. _"COFFEEYOUGOTCOFFEEILIKECOFFEEIFEELHAPPYWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_

I barely understood that, so don't ask how I wrote what he said.

"Snake, what are you doing here?"

"_IFOUNDOUTABOUTTHEGREATESTTHINGEVERIT'SCALLEDCOFFEEWANNAHAVESOME?"_

Well, this is going no where, so I'll tell you how he nearly killed me. Search "Death by Caffeine", go to "coffee (brewed)" and put 212 lbs. In case you're too lazy, it says I can only drink 134.60 cups before dying. I drank 231.

"So you want to sue Cabrak for making you ingest too much COFFEE?"

"Yup!"

"Well, just when I thought things couldn't get any more retarded, here we have VEGETA SUING someone about drinking too much COFFEE," the judge said. "I need a Tylenol…"

I threw a bottle of Tylenol at him which knocked him off his seat. That wasn't good for me.

The judge got up. "_Thank you Vegeta._" I gulped and laughed nervously. "Anyway, this is one of the most ridiculous cases I've ever heard in all of my years as judge!"

"So? How long have you judged for?" I asked.

"Seventeen years next Tuesday," he said.

"Wow, you have no personal life, do you?" I asked.

He was silent. "Vegeta, why don't we get on with this?"

"Fine," I muttered. "But seriously, do you even have a girlfriend?"

"I have a wife!"

"So do I, but I don't let it get in the way…"

"VEGETA!"

"Okay, okay, I'll get to the point. What's a guy have to do to just sit on his couch for two hours watching pirated videos? Seriously, every time I get around to something productive, that little serpent comes around and bugs the shit out of me! It will never leave me be!"

He wrote something down, and mumbled something under his breath. I think I heard something like, "…retarded jackasses wasting my time…" and if he was saying that, I had a very good chance of winning my case with Cabrak. After all, there's only one retarded jackass in the room. Him. And why's Kakarott laughing at me? How is he in my cellar? How did he get passed the rhino? _How did he find me?_

"Cabrak, I want to hear your side of the story," Carl said.

"_Well, I just found my brother's secret coffee stores. It said minimum 16 metric tonnes so I-"_

"_It said minimum 2 tea spoons!"_ Dofkah yelled from somewhere.

"This is funny," I exclaimed.

"What's funny, HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THEM?" the judge asked.

"Maybe I'm a parselmouth," I laughed darkly.

"No, we just understand English and you've understood Cabrak because he bugs you so much."

"I hate you!"

"And that's what keeps the universe in balance."

"You're my best friend!"

There was silence until someone ran in screaming "The sky is falling! Giant robots are attacking!"

I blinked. "I hate you I hate you I hate you!"

Someone else walked in. "The robots are gone, the sky's healing," they said.

The judge and I were both confused. WTF just happened?

"Um, anyway, Vegeta, the most I will let you have is a retraining order. But since I'm out of those, you get nothing. But you said you were watch pirated videos, right?"

"Yup!"

"Then you owe $2000 dollars."

"WHAT? I have TO pay money WHEN I'm suing SOMEONE?" I demanded.

"You put stress on the wrong words," the judge said to me. "But yes, that is an illegal act. Cough up the dough."

I turned around and saw Bulma. "Don't let it get in the way?" she growled.

"Um, heh heh heh... I love you?"

I sighed. Well, at least one THING went right. No crazy guy!

That's what I thought until a shovel hit me in the back of the head.

"OBJECTION! OBJECTIONY-JECTION!"

Conclusion:

That case went horribly. Seriously, next time someone mails me a court order, I will kill the mailman.

Morals:

Watch your back

Avoid the courthouse

KILL EVERYONE!"


End file.
